& You Thought I Was Perfect... :)
*I've been searching for something to write about & ranch chimp has inspired me to talk about my own battle with drug addiction.
I know from experience that the easy availability of narcotics raises the potential for drug addiction when a person is down in the dumps. Not only illegal narcotics, but addiction to prescription drugs...opiates like morphine, Oxycontin & Vicodin.
I had my own bout w/these prescription drugs about 5 years ago after a painful injury that left me with some damaged nerves and a lot of pain.
Unfortunately, I was also depressed because of my bad marriage situation, with that, my injury, & having almost unlimited access to narcotics did not make for a good combination in my case. While I was in the hospital, I was given morphine shots every few hours for about a week. Then I was sent home & given prescriptions for Oxycontin, Vicodin, & muscle relaxers. I found I liked being high, I didn't have to think about my injury or my marriage problems. Of course, it didn't make my problems go away, but I didn't have to deal with them, either.
It is amazing how quickly a person builds up a tolerance to opiates. If you've ever taken these kinds of drugs, imagine taking 8, 9, 10 Vicodin at a time. Not by mouth, but crushing them up adding an Oxycontin & snorting them. <---That is when I decided I had a problem with prescription drugs.
My pride & reputation have always been important to me & after pondering the course I was on, I couldn't figure how I could keep doing what I was doing without making some serious compromises that were illegal, embarrassing & might land me in jail. So, I summoned up the courage & made an appointment with my Doctor / Drug supplier to talk about my drug use. I told him I was addicted & asked him to stop giving me prescriptions to opiates & I asked him to authorize for my enrollment in a program for drug addicts. He did.
What an eye opening experience that was! I was put into a class with a group of serious drug addicts of all ages, all women. Even though I'd been a homeless teen & in reform school, I'd never really "gotten involved in drugs" before this. I found out I was just a baby compared with most of the women in the class. The ones that were younger then me had already done things I'd never dreamed of & most of the women my age looked like they'd been wrung out hard & hung out to dry. One fiftyish woman was court ordered into the class because she'd stolen her Doctors prescription pad & forged prescriptions for Oxycontin. She had been to court, convicted, had her name in the paper & everything. Another poor woman had gotten so drunk & so high she'd fallen off a bridge into a creek & broken her back. She didn't even remember how it happened!
Not that I was going to stumble off a bridge but...
I saw the writing on the wall. That class was like being slapped in the face while looking in the mirror.
It sure scared the heck out of me. I decided I didn't want to end up like that.
I am lucky. I don't know why I was able to kick the habit, but I did. I suppose it involved many factors, but mostly I credit myself for having the foresight to realize the path I was on was self destructive & I wanted something better for myself.
Besides there is a legal painkiller that is easily available & fairly inexpensive...
Alcohol. :)
*I actually put this post up once, then deleted it, because the subject matter was a little to close to home.
I've changed my mind about that. For one, how I was affected by prescription drugs is a chapter in my life & frankly I'm proud of myself for being able to deal with the problem. Another reason to talk about this is that prescription drug abuse is a huge issue in this country. I never thought I'd be vulnerable.
posted by Rita @ 9:32 PM
17 Comments
17 Comments:
& frankly I'm proud of myself for being able to deal with the problem.
And deservedly so. Overcoming any addiction is very difficult and a real accomplishment.
But the alcohol, too, bears watching. The fact that it is legal does not mean it is not dangerous. Some people can use it in moderation and leave it at that; for some, though, it can turn as addictive, and as destructive to health, as the illegal drugs can.
infidel After what I went through, I realize that alcohol can be a dangerous drug. I also worked as a bartender when I was younger, so I've seen what alcohol can do to people's lives.
I've considered my alcohol consumption. I like to have a couple of glasses of wine in the evening. esp. after a stressful day. I never drink anything stronger then White wine. I know that 1 glass of wine, 5oz. is considered the safe limit for women. So I guess that puts me over the limit.
I could write a list of what the benefits would be if I didn't drink at all. For instance I'd probably lose that ten lbs. I can't seem to shed. On the other hand I never eat sweets, drink soda, or even salt my food. So I guess I figure I'm balancing things out...Or maybe I'm just in a horrible state of denial. :)
Oxycontin is a unsafe drug when given to the average person. The only time it should be given out is when extreme pain or in the last days of cancer or other terminal diseases. Opiates of this strength will be over used if given to the average man or woman because of patent's body becomes adapted to a prescribed strength and the body will need more to subside their pain. Opening the door to total addiction.
Drug companies and doctors know this as a fact and don't seem to care because of of the extreme profits involved.
I have three neighbours all with lower back pain, zoned out'a their minds on the stuff. Instead of teaching their patients to deal with their pain and learning treatments to deal with them, doctors find it easier to up the prescription on them. These guys will die addicts and decrypted. Unfortunate, but that's their fate.
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I come from a family of heavy drinkers, at least twice a year (St. Patty's and Octoberfeast) we all get together and finish off an entire keg, and the rest of the year when we get together it's usually barhopping or finishing off a few 18 packs. Of course I also drink a beer a day when watching TV too, sometimes a couple shots, etc. .... I think excercize and eating healthy is going to save me by offsetting that though, perhaps even having vitamins in my beer.
Your doing well Dear, and congratulation's on your work and overcoming your obstacles,you are showing to be strong.And the courage to say what you have considering your image,work or whatever,and goal's.Mr.Infidel is correct...although alcohol has been de-demonized...it is one of the worst of the bunch as well, and a big problemo for many,and credit to that man as well...for working on that.I just done some post,cant recall off hand the title(too many drug's?) :) ... but it was also about the prescription drug addiction and business...oh yeah about the Pill Mill peninsula of Florida.
My story is a lil different I reckon...and ceratinly not to be proud of at all...and on all this...the statute of limitation's would be effective in my defense as well.But...I knew some folk's in the transport/distribution trade and worked part time as a middle man ... I was one who made to it that supply met demand I guess you can say...and it paid better than bringing wetbacks from the border and was smaller, my involvement primarily was in cocaine(although I had also an addiction to opium years ago for a time I reckon).I consider addiction as daily usage to feel"right"...okay? But in the cocaine trade...you can see how it can get to you...it is good policy in the "trade" to never use product...but with the long hour's and fast moving...you resort at times to a little help..and THAT is what lead's to the other. I also taught small dealer's how to "cook"...kind of known in them circle's as a "chef" of sort I reckon.Knowing how to properly cook very large slab's of coke,cut's,and break down's,to what is later distributed as "crack".I enjoyed whiskey/tequila and free base coke, and women, bottom line. That pretty much sum's it up.
Thank You Ms.Rita ... take care...
Wally I don't know if I can fault anyone for taking drugs for pain. Even if they become addicted because of it. My injury although initially severe enough to be treated w/painkillers healed. I still have some irreversible nerve damage, but it is more annoying then painful. My problem was I wanted to escape the reality that was my life & prescription drugs were my way out. I used them to NOT deal with personal issues that were long overdue to to be dealt with. Like so many people I had to be at the edge of the precipice before I'd take a chance & jump into the scary unknown. For me, that meant a change of circumstances that involved starting over & being responsible & self sufficient.
What is important here is, it wasn't just drug addiction that I was battling, it was also suicide fantasies.
When I finally started to get beyond the drug induced haze, I realized that fantasizing constantly about suicide was not normal. It was just another way for me to escape reality. Would I really have done it? I don't know, but my epiphany came when I realized that if I was so desperate to consider suicide, then I might as well jump of that other cliff & face real life. I couldn't be any worse, right? That was the conclusion I came to. It's how I live my life, now.
qf Having a dysfunctional family & esp. an alcoholic one can create twisted emotional entanglements that sometimes can be as impossible to untangle as a Gordian knot. Sometimes the only solution is to distance yourself emotionally.
ranch chimp People in our particular circumstances that have largely raised themselves, do what they can to survive in the situations they find themselves in. Surviving as a teenager and a young adult w/out family support certainly has it's perils & pitfalls. I applaud those that make it though & have empathy & pity for those that don't. Society as a whole sure doesn't.
Powerful painkillers are one of the achievements of modern technology and there's nothing wrong with using them. There have been times when I wouldn't have been able to function without them (luckily I don't seem to have a propensity to get addicted to them).
I went through a phase many years ago when I had strong and persistent suicidal tendencies. If you ever find yourself thinking that way again, just think about all the experiences you've had since such-and-such point in your life (that is, that you would have missed out on if you'd committed suicide then), and consider all the things you might miss in the future of you let the impulse get the better of you. That's what I do. You never know what the future might hold.
I'm not going to distance myself from my family because we all get wasted drunk together, but OTOH, imagine how much more functional we actually should be together if we weren't all drunk when we got together. I'm not saying we get into drunken fist fights or anything, but social activities in general are very superficial. Imagine what could be possible if instead of drunkenly arguing about business strategies or predicting the economy we were actually implementing those things. I've never seen either of my older brothers do anything more spectacular with their money besides throwing it away on fancy resteraunts and partying or barhopping. In that sense it is dysfunctional since there isn't an actual monetary payoff. Hey, they're rich, but they could be a whole lot richer if they just changed their activities, but still, fat chance I would be included at all in the alternative route.
Mr.Infidel has a point there on the achievement of pain killer's as well, I mean...where the hell would we be without them?(OUCH!!). Once I had an absessed tooth way in the back of my mouth,I was packing heat(gun)and dope, and not in the USA, and afraid to check into a clinic(never forget it,the pain was that bad,yes, only a little tooth,but I whined like a baby almost)because I was playing in shady business, I cut into one of the key's(2 kilo's) I was moving for someone(which I later was drilled,why it was perfed?),and took a big dab of coke and rubbed my entire gum damn near, then went into a gas station restroon took a small plyer's looked in the morror and removed the SOB!(tooth) :)
He also touched on the suicide issue, I knew a couple folk's that done this and of coarse were successful, my daughters best friend at age 12 had also done it,and I had to give assistance to my daughter over it,because it was her first experience with it, and it hit her hard with sorrow. I have never even remotely considered suicide ever myself, so I cant say I know the feeling or the thought's, but I do reckonize it is a fairly big issue. But YES...I have thought I was going to die more than once, and did not like that at all!,either from an accident, or a gun shot or stabbing, I was lucky and pulled through...probably a reason I never contemplated suicide I reckon...cause by age 30+ I was thrilled and amazed that I am still alive! Now I'm 53.
I'll shut the hell up now ... later Girl! :)
i also wanted to point out that your story of suicide thought seemed average I reckon...I mean...people get to a point to where one thing or another may not be what they want,and some folk's just simply want to die I guess because they get tired of living...as one guy I know did,because it was one struggle after another..and life was basically getting miserable for him,at least as he told me, and he did it,I didnt like it,but it's not my choice either. I am not sure if Mr.Infidel had a reason for repetitive thought or not,he didnt state...but too...I have also heard of folk's that just commonly out of the clear blue sky just might want to think of it. Either way...I never came close to that thinking,thank goodness...cause I had enough other issues to deal with worrying about staying alive, at times...so the last damn thing I wanted to tinker with..is taking my own life. Although if life got truely miserable for me...I certainly would consider it I reckon...but it would really have to be unbearable.
infidel
consider all the things you might miss in the future of you let the impulse get the better of you. That's what I do. You never know what the future might hold.
When I was feeling suicidal, it was thinking about the future that I found so depressing. I had to learn to NOT project into the future, because I could never see the future as anything but failure. I've had to learn to live in the moment. When I start to regress into a negative thought mode, I say to my self, "What are you going to do? Kill yourself?" "NO?" Then you might as well keep going." This might seem foolish to some people, but this is how I accept the challenge of life & build on my small successes. Of course taking into consideration my sphere of influence is pretty small & it doesn't take much to make me happy. :)
qf I don't know anything about your family, so forgive me if it seemed I was implying anything or making assumptions about them. I was speaking from my experience of watching my ex-husband's parents. In that family, there was so much drinking mixed with social climbing, it was emotional, shallow, & manipulative like a soap opera or religion:) I think that kind of life is very confusing to young children. There are too many mixed messages. (Hence, the Gordian Knot) In my situation there was just a lot of neglect. My mom was caught up in her own religious dance that excluded the rest of us & my dad was a mean basturd who beat his animals & wanted his kids to stay the hell away from him. No chance for emotional entanglement there!
ranch chimp
I figure if you could pull your own tooth, you could shoot yourself if you had too. :)
This is a sick joke, but I figure the worst thing that could happen would be to botch a suicide. Imagine what a failure you'd feel like if you couldn't pull that off? :)
At least I've largely steered the conversations and activities away from religion in my family by ripping on their beliefs for being not well thought out, which is somewhat more productive. You want to talk about dysfunctional then you should look at a family that, er, well I'm sure you know all about how dysfunctional religions are, practically dwarfs alcoholism on the dysfunction scale.
Anyhow, I've got 2 older brothers working for engineering companies and one younger brother still finishing up his college. I'm currently living with my parents and helping my dad renovate houses for rent(tiling floors, baseboards, painting, brick and concrete patios, sprinkler and drip systems, landscaping, pool maintenance, etc) while looking for a job in either hydrologic tech or water/wastewater operation. My mother works in medical records, and I've been attending yoga and pilates courses with her.
This is such a common issue. I feel fortunate, however. I have tried a number of drugs in my past: Used to smoke lots of pot, experimented with LSD, Hash, Mushrooms, Cigarettes and Ecstasy. Back 10 years ago, my now ex-wife started bring home cocaine and sadly it was the best times we had with each other. I divorced her and kicked her out when she started becoming a crack whore. I never tried Heroin or Meth or anything like that. I gave up drugs mostly because of the losers involved. So now I drink moderately and smoke a pipe occasionally. I never had a big problem with anything.
I was recently moved by the story of Bela Lugosi who, like you, became addicted to pain killers because of a war injury and whose career and life suffered because of it.
I'm so glad you have prevailed to charm us with your delightful musings and experiences.
The Rev's comment's above about cocaine and the partner,reminded me so much of a close buddy of mine who is now passed away(RIP)who had a similar situation. He wasnt a coke head...but his woman who lived with him was,he only recreationally done it.She was all flash too,platinum blonde,classy look,drove a BMW,the worx,she had him all wrapped up.One day they were argueing in front of their apartment,cause he snatched her coke from her,because she was doing way to much and acting foolish mentally.The cop's seen the argueing and the bag of coke in his hand when they pulled up to see what was going on,and get this...arrested him for posession of coke.Well he call's me to post his bond...I first stopped by his apartment to pick up some paper's I needed...Gretchen answer's the door(his lady who lived with him,that he is in jail for her coke)she is high as the Int'l Space Station,I am going through some paper's he had at a desk...searching for what I needed...Gretchen then walk's into the room wearing a blanket now, drop's it off of her..and stand's there naked,she passes a little baggie of coke to me,and say's..."let's party some Tom..." I was pissed actually,and raised my voice to her...which I never done before...but to be frank...I told her "get your f'n clothes back on Gretchen before I slap the shit out of you!..." Why? because it just pissed me off...that this is a guy who was close to me as a buddy...real close for year's,sitting in jail with coke that was her's,that he took from her...just because she was loosing it mentally from tweaking for a couple day's...his old lady...you would think she would have at least some concern about his status, she claim's she loved him...and had him head over heel's for over a year. I am trying my damdest to get his shit together to get him out..and this is what she is concerned with? Enough said.
Later, Rev. ... and Ms.Rita. :)
I guess I am lucky. My closest peril came with me taking her to the abortion clinic after she got pregnant supposedly with my sperm - even though I had a vasectomy a few years before. LOL - nice try. Try getting a divorce when your wife is pregnant with some other guys kid. Of course, all would have been revealed when the kid turned out to be colored but not after a lot of money and unpleasantness. I took a big charge on my credit card at the time to get her out of my life and it was well worth it. At least I didn't end up in prison.
You know Rita, I have had similar problems with booze. Well, maybe a little weed now and then too ;-)
I gave all of it up 17 years ago.
I kind of had too. I got a ticket for drinking and driving and saw another guy go to jail for 8 months. I was scared, when they offered me counselling, I jumped on that wagon quickly !
I quit drinking and everything else OK, but had a little trouble with the recovery folks. They really stress AA and, I find AA unacceptable. It's a quasi-religious organization. I was told I could not get "sober" without god. That whole premise is ridiculous to me. IF there is a god, he (she/it) lead me to be a drunk in the first place, why would I look to him (her/it) for clarity to solve a problem that he (she/it) caused ? I wrote about it a few months back over at that ignorant thing I do.
I think I can say, after 17 years," I might have pulled it off."
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